Wrapping up

On Friday, I defend my thesis

Next Friday, I finish work for the summer

The following Monday, I start orientation training in Canada for my internship

On the 30th, I head to Vancouver

On the 9th of Sept., I come back to Toronto for a brief return...

Before heading to Nigeria for three months on the 13th!

I leave Nigeria on Dec. 17th

Head to Germany until Dec. 22nd

Return back to Toronto in time for Christmas season!

More plans in formation for January till June -- will update when I know. ;) It's going to be an exhilarating next few months!

The Imperfect Christian

What does it mean to be and to live as a Christian in our world today?

Like many Christians, I struggle with living out my faith in a real and meaningful way. To me, that means figuring out how to live, act and become more like Christ through making the right choices, for the right reasons, in the right way. It means being in right relationship with God, with myself and with others. Moreover, being a Christian comes with a purpose: being salt to the earth and a light to the world. Our faith was never meant to be private, but shared among all people, bringing forth the Kingdom of God on earth.

Many Christians have heard that as a Church, we are meant to be different from the world. From the way Christians live, conduct themselves and worship, we are meant to be a witness to Christ in our world. We have often heard this as a calling and aspiration to strive to greater heights, to be worthy of the grace that Jesus has so freely given to us; in other words, to show others why they need God in their lives too, so they too can accept the free graces of Christ.

I wholeheartedly agree that Christians do need to be different from the world. But what concerns me is that this sort of attitude, this kind of unspoken norm, which permeates from the individual Christian, to churches and fellowships, to denominations and finally, to the Church as a whole, results in an overarching expectation that Christians have to be perfect. Which is fatally dangerous to evangelism (and ultimately, the Church as a whole) for three reasons: a) no one is perfect, so by pretending to be so, Christians are often thought of as hypocrites, b) even when we do recognize our imperfections, we tend to flaunt our strengths (we're-not-perfect-but-we're-damn-close) and hide our weaknesses, which is just plain intimidating and perpetuates this need to pretend and lastly c) we feel guilty for when we fail, so we resolve to try harder, not recognizing that the foundational value of grace in all of this but falling into the fallacy that by willpower alone, we can become the people Christ desire us to be.

Now, I do want to point out that this sort of cycle tends to perpetuate out of good intentions. These people, myself included, really do desire to seek Christ and to live out our faith in an authentic way. We've just been, er, sidetracked along the way.

And so, in my own struggle, having gone through a bit of an up and down lately, it hits me that, oh, even though I've failed many, multiple times at doing or being the kind of person I know I should be, it doesn't make me a bad disciple or an unfaithful follower. I started to realize that maybe it's not such a terrible thing that Christians and non-Christians suffer and fall into the same temptations; we are all humans and we have all fallen short. And now I think I have come to the crux of the matter, for this is where we, as Christians, should differ from the world -- it is our foundational understanding of grace. Grace meaning that the unconditional love that God has for all of us is given freely, not earned, and cannot be taken away because of our sins. This grace - not from our capability, but His - empowers us to be willing to repent from our sins, to forgive one another and to love unconditionally is what should truly make Christians different from the world.

It is as St. Paul says in his letter to the Corinthians "He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinth 12:9-10)

As I'm thinking about Sunday's gospel reading, the parable of weeds (Matthew 13:24-30), I'm reminded that God has allowed both the good (the wheat) and the bad (the weeds) grow together on earth. Right now, I know that there is both good and evil in all of us. He reminds us to be patient and kind (Wisdom 12:19, "those who are just must be kind", Sunday's first reading), with ourselves and with one another.

I'm going to try to wrap up because my thoughts are kind of everywhere, but I think most of all, I need to be reminded that God's unconditional and constant love and forgiveness is available to me, that I need it for this life and the next.

Plans

June has been a bit of a crazy month, but oh so worth it because I finally actually have an idea of what the heck I'm going to be doing until the end of the year! As someone who really likes to set goals way in advance, dealing with this level of uncertainty was definitely new for me. I'm sure some people would have thrived in it, but I really had to make a conscious, at times against my will, effort not to make a safety plan and to learn to trust instead. I find that trusting in God is one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned because I'm learning it again and again and again.

But anyhow, here I am, pretty sure of what I'm doing until the end of 2008. First off, I'm going to finish my Master degree! I can't believe it's coming to an end either. Well, it's not over yet... I've submitted a first draft, now I'm waiting for feedback (coming tomorrow!), resubmit and repeat until it is deemed suitable for committee review. Then I'll spend two weeks preparing for my defense, hopefully pass my defense, making more revisions and submit my completed thesis! Wow, that sounds convoluted. I am hoping that this will be done by the end of August, at the latest. Amazingly enough, I'll actually be leaving UT, after 6 years here. I think a follow-up UT post is going to come up later this summer.

Coming up much sooner, however, is my summer position at the Ontario Ministry of Health! I'm really glad I was able to get and take this position; it's with the Public Health Division and I'll be doing some sort of policy project, so that should be really good experience for me, especially since I want to go into international health. I don't have many more details right now, but I start on Monday, so it's exciting!

Unfortunately, this means that I won't be able to go to the International AIDS Conference in Mexico City with the World Youth Alliance. It's really too bad because it would have been a great learning experience, but the timing sort of sucks. And I've spent a good portion of the summer doing their online training. Fortunately, I think they will be able to send someone else in my place and I've actually kind of enjoyed the training and learning more about the key ideas and influences of the organization.

Then on August 30th, I head off to Vancouver/Whistler/Seattle! I convinced my family that Vancouver would be a great place to visit for the summer (no ulterior motive or anything... hahaha), so we're going to head to Whistler, then back to Vancouver and a detour to Seattle. I'll be staying until the 9th of Sept. with Ray while they'll be leaving earlier. It'll be nice to check out Vancouver when it's not constantly raining, like it was in December. And I'll be able to see some of the people I met last time I was there!

Finally, in mid September, I head off to Nigeria for a community development internship! It's funny how this all works out, because I think this was the very first application I did way back in January (the deadline was at the end of April, but I was putting off working on my thesis, ha ha). I'm going with the Christian Reformed World Relief Committee, getting some more training and working with them and their community partners throughout Nigeria. I might be back by the end of November, but I just talked with them today and it might get extended to mid-December! I'm excited to do this for so many reasons: I'm going to learn and grow so much from it, it'll be good for my career development, I'll be able to contribute in some way to the community organizations there and I'm really looking forward to getting to know the people, the community and their lives.

I think that as I've been processing and trying to understanding everything that I've learning about development from the perspective of my faith, I am struck by the implications it has on both how development can be fostered and the poor empowered and how I live my life and the person I am becoming. This might constitute another post, but what I'm starting to realize is, if I truly want to follow Christ and build His Kingdom, the most impactful change I could be a part of occurs in the lives of people, through affirming the inherent dignity in all people and in building or facilitating healthy, fruitful, loving relationships with others, and ultimately, with our God.

I attended a social justice forum back in March ran by some Jesuits; it was basically a three hour small group discussion about faith, social justice and the tensions that we, as North Americans, face. What surprised and stayed with me the most were how much in common both our fears and hopes for the world and for the future were. As I think back to it now, I am reminded again of how deeply our North American culture remains entrenched in me. The world tells me it's all about me, do whatever it takes to make me happy, satisfied, fulfilled (of course, that means buying a lot of stuff!). But life is not all about me. One of my favorite quotes, I don't even remember who says it, is "I'm not much, but I'm all I think about".

The life I desire to live, a life of integrity, a life worthy of my calling, is not one where my freedom is used for whatever I please. If I were to go overseas to serve or volunteering endless, but I do it solely for my fulfillment, rather than primarily giving myself freely out of love, then I fool myself in thinking that this is for Jesus. I fool myself in I think that's why sacrifices are necessary along the way; they make us stronger and refine our intentions and convictions. For me, some sacrifices are easier than others. For example, right now, being debt free and having free room and board at home, allows me to sacrifice not making money for a little while. I don't think it will be so easy when I get married and want to have a family.

I don't have it all figured out right now, I don't even think I am at the point where I could really sacrifice everything for Christ's sake. But I hope that I won't settle for mediocrity or pursue the world's standards for success in place of putting the Kingdom first.

Searching for meaning

I have just finished reading a good portion of Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, which I found to be one of the most difficult books I've ever read. For those of you who don't know him, Frankl is a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor who wrote about his experiences in the concentration camps. I think what made this book so challenging was his ability to draw me into his mind, and the minds of other inmates, about the everyday thoughts, circumstances and brutality of living in a concentration camp. Often, I had to pull myself from the page, look at my surroundings and be blinded by the contrast. This really happened!

But I do not mean for this initial reaction to overshadow the message and meaning of this book. I would do his book a disservice if I only consider it as a memoir of the second world war's atrocities. If I choose to separate myself from them, that my choices have no similarity to theirs (and in many ways they don't), I have failed to understand his main message.

Everyday, every life, every moment is full of choices. Every choice leads me to the kind of person I am becoming. Frankl understood that there are two types of people, in every area of life, decent and indecent. It reminded me of a quote I read recently:

"The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either -- but right through every human heart -- and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained. And even in the best of hearts, there remains... an un-uprooted small corner of evil"

That was written by Alexander Solzhenitsyn, a Russian author and prison-camp survivor. The basic depth of the human soul is exposed in the most horrid of places. But it is in all of us. The fight for good and evil, for right and wrong, happens most fiercely in the heart.

I don't think I'm alone, as a young university graduate, in that I'm looking for meaning in my life. So often I call to God, what am I supposed to do? who am I supposed to be? how do I follow you in my life?

I think I can travel to the farthest and most remote corners of the world and still be asking those questions. I won't find it in a place or in a situation or in a person. I will find it in myself and the way I live my life. This is my favorite part of the book:

"It doesn't really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life and instead think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life. Our answer must consist, not in talk or meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

I have come to realize that God's will for me is not stagnant, but being shaped and directed by the partnership and relationship between me and Him. Our Lord has granted me (and all of us) the inviolable freedom to choose whether I want to love Him, follow Him and honour Him. In choosing to pursue a freedom of excellence, where I am able to give myself freely, in love, to God and to others, I am slowly understanding what meaning in my life is. (I will put a disclaimer in right now that I am far from it - but hey, it's a lifelong journey.) Most of what happens in my life is out of my control, but what I can do is choose to take the right actions, for the right reasons, in the right way.

Coming up: Plans!

Plans, plans, plans

I am on the brink of closing this chapter of my life, so close I can almost taste it, the anticipation is practically tangible. Which is possibly a good thing because there is lots to do still and this raw energy needs to go somewhere.

I can hardly believe that three weeks ago I felt completely stagnate, unsure of myself or where God was taken me. Things that felt hardly possible then feel very possible now. God has worked in some incredible ways in the few weeks and He's going to be very present in the next week. By the end of the month, things will be settled. I can deal with uncertainty for another week.

I'm being vague, I know, but I'm not entirely sure what all of this means for me either. But one thing is for sure; in three months, I will not be in this country.

Return to blogging

Well, if you are the few who still check on this blog on a somewhat regular basis, you are in luck! I have decided to return to blogging. =)

I found it difficult to blog during the last year because many of the challenges and lessons I had were wrapped up in personal circumstances at the time and not wanting to incriminate or offend anyone, I decided to not blog at all. So, as you can see, I have actually written very little about what my year was like at all.

So why the change of heart? Well, first off, some time has past and I think I can now share some of my insights without pointing at specific people or events. Secondly, I want to have a forum in which I can articulate my thoughts, work on my writing skills and basically express myself. Lastly, I have had the pleasure of reading a hell of a lot more lately and I think this would be a good place for me to think, analyze and critique some of the stuff I've been reading... and how it applies to my life now and in the future.

So, there you go. I'm returning to blogging. Though not right now. Because I have a thesis draft due in a week and far too much too do in very little time.

Awashed by His Grace and Mercy

I have this tremendous urge to blog, after a 3+ month hiatus, about the sacrament of Reconciliation (ie. Confession). This is a bit of a divisive topic, even among Catholics, and I pretend to be no expert on this at all. In fact, I haven't even had all that many confessions in my life, so I'm a bit a beginner at this too.

Some Catholics, myself included, approach confession with a bit of apprehension. As wonderful as the after asking and receiving forgiveness from my sins part is, the whole during part of actually telling someone your sins (not just saying it in my own head) can be down right terrifying. On a side note, the whole telling another person thing is important because our sins have social ramifications and the priest sits in as a representative of the community. I'll leave it at that because I don't want to get into more about the theology of the whole sacrament.

Anyhow, so I received the sacrament today because it is the season of Lent and we had a Reconciliation Service tonight and I just plain wanted to. And usually, when I approach Confession, I might sit around and think about all the things I shouldn't have done (or should have done and didn't do) since my last confession. It basically becomes a laundry list of sins that is very vague and creates a giant guilt trip for myself. Which I don't think is necessary the point of confession.

And so, when I was asking Raymond (yes, the Protestant) for advice, he said "isn't it supposed to be more of a conversation? Doesn't God meet you at where you are at?"... oh yeah. So, when I actually went ahead and did it today, I found myself being far more honest and real, telling the priest that I didn't want the experience to be just an offloading of a list of transgressions, but where I am truly asking and admitting to myself -- what is making me turn away from God? What prevents me from encountering the Living God more fully and deeply? I think that being honest with myself helped me to recognize that it wasn't about saying that I was a terrible person, but that I was human -- both good and bad -- and in need of God's mercy, forgiveness and grace. And I had a wonderful priest, who was very supportive by acknowledging both my desire for forgiveness and encouraging me for where I've been faithful. From there, I really felt the freedom that comes when we encounter God just as we are. Knowing that He always embraces us, forgives us, washes us clean from our sins, if we only choose to come before Him as we are and ask for His mercy.