Forgetting the basics

My faith journey has had a strenuous and challenging summer thus far.

It's funny because nothing has really happened to be a catalyst for the new and unexpected bumps - no life-altering changes, like a new job or starting at a new school or being in a new place (granted, I did leave the country for a while, but this is all after that). A rather ordinary and predictable summer.

Which I guess, makes it a good time for the good LORD to shake things up a bit and challenge my preconceived notions of faith, spiritual formation, ministry and life in general.

Lately, my priorities have been all mixed up -- which I guess makes me a little mixed up myself. I feel busier, but less effective. I'm wondering what the heck happens to my time when the whole day has gone by and I am still drowning in papers and data for my thesis and I still manage to not have time for prayer or devos. I feel caught up in the vicious cycle where I tire myself out the whole day (physically, emotionally, spiritually), collapse to sleep, wake up late, play catch up and do it all over again. Then I get frustrated and take it out on other people.

I don't feel remotely fulfilled -- it's like I've cluttered my days with stuff and left no room for actual nourishment.

Sometimes this "stuff" isn't bad. Okay, sometimes it's just plain procrastination, but other times it's meetings about things I care about or times with friends. But it's becoming clear to me that I have been running long enough on my own strength and my tolerance for this way of living is growing very thin, very fast. Where is the abundant life (John 10:10)? Where is the freedom (Romans 8:2, among others)?

Oh yeah. I know where. It's in Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30). I just haven't asked for it.

It's funny how I can read all this stuff about Christian life and go to bible studies and attend Church every week and still be fighting against the simplest things. Like how I need to pick up my cross in order to follow Him. Like how much I need Him. Like how much He loves us. Like how I am not in control of my life. Like how the God of love really just cares about people and relationships -- not programs or ministries or results. Like how our purpose on this earth is to do His will.

I've spent the first half of the summer forgetting all the basics. I've fallen into the trap of doing instead of being. I thought I was in control and then I got mad when I wasn't not. Or I wasn't satisfied when I appeared to be. My ideas of how to get to God have been shattered. Along with my pride. My resistance is waning and my dependency increasing.

I awoke on Sunday morning at 5am, unable to sleep after a particularly heinous attack (on my part) on someone I love. Humility isn't pretty; it's downright painful. But it was entirely worth it because I was finally, finally recognizing that I wasn't in control. That I'm not nearly as righteous as I like to believe and when it came down to it, I could be pretty vicious. Surrendering that to Him was the relief I needed and hadn't asked for till then.

Thank the LORD that He doesn't give up on us. There is hope -- one step in the long journey where my old, selfish self dies so that my new one can be born. One step closer to the Kingdom come.