Post Retreat Reflection

I've been very humbled and very fortunate this weekend.

I've spent the last month, obsessing about my future. My calling. Where I am suppose to be in this world. What I am suppose to do. Me, me, me. My life. My spiritual journey. My problems.

It's so easy to be blinded by ourselves, to be wrapped up in our own lives. I wondered why I felt stagnate in my walk with Him. Why I felt like I was coming up short when I was doing all the "right" things. The answers finally came this weekend. I wasn't putting Him first. I wasn't fighting for Him. I wasn't caring about anybody but me.

And hearing the stories and hardships that my sisters in Christ shared made me feel so grateful and humbled. I was so impressed by their conviction and their faith and how strongly they held onto Him because there was NOTHING else to hold onto. I had forgotten how fortunate I am. I had forgotten how powerful and saving and amazing He is. I am grateful that they had bravely shared their stories and reminded all of us just how great God is. And reminded me that there's life outside of me.

One of my biggest struggles in my faith has been how do you love God? How do you love a being that is abstract, intangible and difficult to comprehend at times? In the ways I've grown this past year, I've gotten to know Him. I've gotten to experience Him. But loving Him, putting Him first before myself? I didn't know how to do it.

I asked, I prayed and I begged. I wanted to know how. A big part of this retreat has been listening and finding out how. How to put Him first. How to trust in Him. How to fight for Him and with Him. And most importantly, how to love others. How to look beyond my own inner circle and start giving a damn about someone other than myself.