Pray

First post of the new year... hehe.

So the first 15 days of the new year has been... draining. Not always of course; there were definitely some great stuff that has happened thus far -- I'm super excited about my international health management course (this Friday's speaker is a senior advisor for CIDA -- email me if you want to come, we can bring friends!), had an awesome day with my girls, Sanctuary was uplifting and I think thesis is really starting to take off. But mostly, it's been very tiring...

I just felt drained all the time. I was frustrated and feeling inadequate about how I was leading my small group. Fundraising enough money for Peru felt insurmountable. The Catholic conference I had planned on attending fell through, due to many logistical issues. My heart broke for a friend who's currently coming to grips with a dying parent. I just couldn't understand why everything felt so big and I felt so small. I couldn't understand why I didn't see things as I used to see them months ago. I couldn't stop coming home, lying down in bed and wishing the world would just go away for a little while.

So I prayed. I didn't know what else to do, so I kept praying. I prayed that God would teach me to be the kind of leader that led her followers to Him so He could transform them, because I sure couldn't. I prayed that I would put my trust in Him and learn to walk by faith, rather than sight, when things seem impossible or didn't go according to plan. I prayed for her and I prayed with her -- the thick, tangible feeling of helplessness grew as we sat together in a dark room while I murmured promises of God's everlasting love and presence and yet, the extraordinary feeling of hope and freedom came. For the LORD is the one who saves, the one who provides relief for the suffering, the one who brings transformation. I have faith in Him and His promises. Though I am tired and uncertain, there is a beautiful freedom in not doing it on my own and relinquishing all control to Him. So I keep on praying...